Sunday, July 12, 2009

Bring Out Your Dead: Weird Stuff Around The House #2

As I approached the box slowly, a mouse skittered along the edge of the attic, stopped in its tracks, swayed woozily for a moment, and fell on to its back, stone cold dead. I noticed the box's U-Haul logo had been burned off. Strange, I don't remember that at all. I saw visions in my head of great, ancient armies raising a reign of terror in their path, sparing no one.
Do not look directly at it, do not look directly at it, I mumbled to myself.

This atrocity should be familiar to anyone who spent anytime upstairs at Granny's, where I now reside. It hung in the hallway between the bathroom and the bedroom, usually topped by a piece of yellowing palm from that year's Palm Sunday service. Within minutes of moving in, I removed it to a box in the attic, because it has truly scared the living crap out of me my entire life. I could have thrown it in the garbage, but could not chance world apocalypse had it fallen into the wrong hands. Just taking this picture caused my camera to explode.

As you can see, it is a framed crucifixion scene.
It's in 3-D.
3-D, folks, and Jesus' dying eyes seem to follow you as you pass.

The funniest thing is what's printed on the bottom. "Kazmierczak Funeral Home, 852-2222". So, what, this was in a funeral goodie bag? Or a gift with purchase? Like at the Clinique counter?

Even Better Update: My mom claims there used to be a calendar attached to this. I imagine this conversation took place a few times...

"What day is the 4th?"
"It's a Wednesday. Jesus died for your sins, you know."

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