Saturday, June 20, 2009

You Know, This One

As I type my grandmother is in the kitchen on the phone. With whom, I don't know. Doesn't matter anyway. She is going deaf and mostly agrees with stuff, but it is also when she throws out one of the classics...

GRANNY (on phone): Uh-huh, mmm-hmmm, yeah, you know this one, down the street, he still has the diarrhea after the surgery, because he went...uh-huh, uh-huh, he has, you know, this one.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Poppy had The Sugar

My grandfather's name was Edward (ok, it was actually Ignatius but no one called him that). Granny called him Eddie but we all called him "Poppy". He had a sweet tooth. He also had a low grade form of diabetes.
Despite this diagnosis, what I remember about visiting them as a child was the constant stream of cookies, candy and ice cream. Oh, the ice cream...
Despite her ever increasing state of deafness, thirty years ago Granny could hear the freezer door open from a mile away.

GRANNY: Eddie!
POPPY: What?
GRANNY: Stop eating that ice cream! You've got the sugar!

So, why would you keep this stuff in the house with a diabetic? Granny claimed it "was for the grandkids". So those three empty half-gallon cartons I saw in her trash last week were "for the grandkids"?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Coversation with Mom #1

Mom: "Can you believe she's gonna be 91 next month?"
Me: "And in nine years she'll be 100, because she will outlive us all"

The Granny Diet

The key to living to 91 is to pickle yourself. No, not with alcohol (though that is an option). With preservatives, my friend.
Forget whole grains, green leafy vegetables, lean meat, and locavore-ism. Say hello to frozen meals, mystery meat and the fine art of 'baked goods".
Here's a sampling of what we bought at Tops (inside joke slogan "Tops never mops") yesterday...

Oscar Meyer bologna (the all beef kind at least)
Boston Market frozen meals
cubed steak
Half gallon Edy's French vanilla ice cream
Package of monster sized cranberry muffins
Several packages of Green Giant frozen veggies w/cheese sauce
Stella D'Oro cookies
sliced mozzarella
Red Baron French bread pizza (two boxes)
Milk of Magnesia (natch)

Fry everything. EVERYTHING.
Small capitulations to healthy eating: oatmeal every morning, fresh fruit, Activia yogurt drinks
She will be 91 next month, and has never really been overweight.

If I ate like this, I would top 350.

And it begins...

Unless you've been hiding under a rock, you may have been hearing a lot of stories on TV or online about how grown adults have had to move back in with their parents or grandparents, sometimes with children in tow, due to our apocalyptic economy. This is not my story.
Two years ago this month, for reasons too ridiculous to recount, my six year-long relationship ended. I should have found my own apartment. But I was low on cash (as I always was). And Granny needed a roomie.
At the time, Granny was almost 89, still of sound mind, maybe not so sound of body. Poppy had been gone for 15 years, and she could have used someone in the house. Therefore, by the grace of God went I.