This is A Test Of The Emergency Broadcasting System: Weird Stuff Around The House #5

It's wallpaper.

I know, right?

Love You Long Time Ashtray: Weird Stuff Around The House #4

This is just plain wrong on so many levels, but I think nothing says "get well soon!" like an ashtray.

This...Thing: Weird Stuff Around The House #3

She's thrown out tons of stuff and yet this...thing is still in the basement.

It's full of plastic flowers and is taller than me.

Bring Out Your Dead: Weird Stuff Around The House #2

As I approached the box slowly, a mouse skittered along the edge of the attic, stopped in its tracks, swayed woozily for a moment, and fell on to its back, stone cold dead. I noticed the box's U-Haul logo had been burned off. Strange, I don't remember that at all. I saw visions in my head of great, ancient armies raising a reign of terror in their path, sparing no one.

Do not look directly at it, do not look directly at it, I mumbled to myself.

This atrocity should be familiar to anyone who spent anytime upstairs at Granny's, where I now reside. It hung in the hallway between the bathroom and the bedroom, usually topped by a piece of yellowing palm from that year's Palm Sunday service. Within minutes of moving in, I removed it to a box in the attic, because it has truly scared the living crap out of me my entire life. I could have thrown it in the garbage, but could not chance world apocalypse had it fallen into the wrong hands. Just taking this picture caused my camera to explode.

As you can see, it is a framed crucifixion scene.

It's in 3-D.

3-D, folks, and Jesus' dying eyes seem to follow you as you pass.

The funniest thing is what's printed on the bottom. "Kazmierczak Funeral Home, 852-2222". So, what, this was in a funeral goodie bag? Or a gift with purchase? Like at the Clinique counter?

Even Better Update: My mom claims there used to be a calendar attached to this. I imagine this conversation took place a few times...

"What day is the 4th?"

"It's a Wednesday. Jesus died for your sins, you know."

The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous: Weird Stuff Around the House #1

After Poppy died 17 years ago, and Granny started getting rid of things, she asked me what I might want. My immediate response?

"The Schlitz sign."

Don't ask me why. I wasn't even 21 and didn't really care for beer (yet). But the Schlitz sign had been a constant at all our family gatherings, hanging on the wall opposite the wet bar Poppy had built in the basement. Those were good times, back when the whole family still lived here. Yes, I thought, the Schlitz sign please.

The Schlitz sign still hangs on that wall in the basement, waiting for the day when I have my own wet bar. It's probably gonna be a long wait.

It was only a few weeks ago that I took a good look at it. I always knew it was plastic, maybe like a giant plaque, but in reality its very thin, like those cheap Halloween or Christmas decorations you get at Dave's Christmas Wonderland (or if you want to get old skool, Harlem-Genesee Nursery). You may not be able to tell from the picture, but it's 3-D, and juts out from the wall. I was going to take it down to clean it up, but stopped after realizing there may be some unpleasant things living behind it.

Interesting side note: Pabst now owns Schlitz. So all you Wisconsin-living hipster deebags can get your drunk on.