This is A Test Of The Emergency Broadcasting System: Weird Stuff Around The House #5

It's wallpaper.

I know, right?

Oh Crap.

I went downstairs to get something to drink. She was asleep in a chair in the living room.

There were two pots boiling away on the stove.

Oh crap.

The Black Mold Is Taking Over

I think Granny's basement is infected with black mold. I have no proof because I'm too afraid to look.

When you go downstairs, you have to keep your mouth closed, or else it gets in your lungs, and then you're pulling a Bill the Cat to get the stench out of your throat.

My treadmill is down there. Bad idea.

Perhaps my grandmother is not really my grandmother, but a collection of mold spores held together with a rosary. This may explain why she has lived to 91 despite breast cancer, pneumonia, thyroid disease, Parkinson's, detached retinas, melanoma and those pins that are holding her arm together.

Perhaps that's why she claims she doesn't smell any mold.

One night I'll wake to find her hovering over me in my bed chanting "One of us, one of us" while tendrils of black mold try to wrap me in a cocoon, Body Snatcher-style.

I love all of you.

Book Me A Ticket, I'm Going On A Guilt Trip

It all started with the cilantro, which I made the mistake of leaving in her refrigerator. I thought, hey it's got a crisper, that will do it some good. Because Wegmans only sells cilantro in bunches the size of a basketball. You'd really have to love you some cilantro to eat it all before it goes bad.

By the next day it had been washed, dried, and separated into two plastic bags. Of course she used paper towels to dry it so now I can't ever eat it, due to my weird intolerance of squishy wet paper towels.

Granny: "Is that parsley in there? Because I washed it and dried it..."

Me: "Granny, you don't have to do that. It's cilantro."

Granny: "I didn't know if you'd be mad at me for doing it..."

Me: sigh

Granny: "You should put half of it in the freezer, I always used to freeze parsley."

Me: "No, I don't need to freeze it. Granny, I'd prefer if you didn't wash my stuff."

Granny: "WELL I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO WITH MY DAY!"

Half of the cilantro is now residing in the freezer. I know I didn't put it there.

Love You Long Time Ashtray: Weird Stuff Around The House #4

This is just plain wrong on so many levels, but I think nothing says "get well soon!" like an ashtray.

This...Thing: Weird Stuff Around The House #3

She's thrown out tons of stuff and yet this...thing is still in the basement.

It's full of plastic flowers and is taller than me.

Sam Kinison Tribute

STOP TOUCHING MY STUFF!!!!

STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!!!!!

NONONOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!